Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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