Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Will you blow on my dice?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
