I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
