1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
