News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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