I cannot find my penis.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
