It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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