Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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