I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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