I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Can you repeat that, but with context?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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