Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Dick very happy bro
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
