it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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