Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
