How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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