Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
my liver is dry heaving
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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