he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
