So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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