I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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