i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
