So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
