i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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