I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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