So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
