You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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