It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
