I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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