I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
