I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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