Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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