she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
