awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
