the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
