this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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