If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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