is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just found puke in my bra..
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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