I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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