She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize