Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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