the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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