Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
