I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize