sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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