Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
