I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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