this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
