if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
