Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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