i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
