Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
