Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
