Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
