FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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