my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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