if only i could text you this smell
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
