I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
