Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
