I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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